awkward

Today in Anatomy when I made a stupid comment, a group of Blanding High School students who take college classes laughed at me. Like, not with me, At me! Under their breath kind of.

Usually this really wouldn't bother me. I'm quite used to being laughed at. I once peed in the coloring books isle of Wal-mart. I was 19.
I also on one or two or seven occasions threw up at a buffet when our table of cheerleaders mixed a plate full of "a little bit of everything."
I also like to sing at the top of my lungs to the songs they play at the market.... (it's really a great selection of songs. locals: notice sometime)

But today I was really bugged. I must be PMS'ing cause I turned around and said, "Excuse me, are you really LAUGHING at me?"

And they all just looked into their books like little sheep!

Only about 5 minutes later, the only boy in the group said, "What is this bone called? Dinosaurula?" And they all laughed...... and I realized that his joke was just as lame as my comment/outburst/sing-song about green beret's. So when I was leaving I turned around and said, "Oh hey you guys. I'm pretty sure you cracked some lame jokes today, well especially you (the boy) and I didn't make fun of or laugh at you so... I'd appreciate it if you could show a little maturity. I realize you are only high school students but this is college. Have some respect."

I was so proud of myself. Until I called Madi and she laughed at me for like an hour... She said I make things so "awkward." She's right. But I do it because I don't get embarrassed easily and I hope they do. Now I keep replaying everything in my head and I'm pretty sure I didn't come out on top. Even though it felt so very good.

Here's the thing. Once upon a time on a "cheer trip", we were stopped at a convenient store/fast food restaurant and in front of our long line of hairspray and eye liner were these two women. One of these women was wearing a grungy tank top and had obviously not taken a shower in days. To make matters worse, this woman was morbidly obese; the kind of obese you only see occasionally... the kind where you have to force yourself to stare at something else...

It wasn't like we were "making fun" of her. Really, we weren't. But of course, each one of us somehow communicated to our peers that we couldn't believe what we were seeing. Just by glancing from the woman, to the ground, to our friends, and only letting our eyes mock as much as our lips wanted to.

As we finished up our food and headed back for the bus the woman who had accompanied our earlier subject of stares, thoughts, silent discussion, and disgust blocked my path and pointed her finger in my face. I'm sure the confrontation only lasted a few seconds, but I remember feeling my neck begin to burn as I watched the girls trail ahead with out even realizing I had been stopped. I can not put into words how mortified I was when that woman said to me, "You and your friends ought to be ashamed of yourselves. You hurt an innocent person today for your own narcissistic pleasure. You remember this, what goes around comes around."
And THAT ladies and gentlemen is why I starve myself from time to time... as well as why I would never ever ever marry Linc Pehrson... (don't get me wrong, he is now one of my most favorite amigos from Monticello)but one time in 8th grade as they wheeled up to the stage the girl with fetal alcohol syndrome after she won Homecoming Princess or whatever it was, Linc made fun of her.... And I KNOW if I were to marry him, I would have at least one retarded child and many many emotional teenage daughters that constantly get picked on my some brah in school..... of course when I told Linc I would never marry him because of that he laughed at me...(Awkward) At that point, we were still one anothers arch nemesis.

Why are we this way? How disgusting it is that we have to put others down to make ourselves feel better. Why do we so easily forget that the greatest personal satisfaction comes from MAKING someones day? Why is it so hard for us to let others be happy?

I know I shouldn't have reacted the way I did today.
"blah blah blah, act, don't react"
I KNOW those CHILDREN (I can say children, I'm 21 now) mean nothing to me. So why did I let this get to me? I'd like to think that a part of me wanted them to experience that same feeling of shame that I did back in the convenient store... but really I'm pretty sure I was just PMSing.