I am so angry right now I feel like tearing my skin off with my bear hands. I feel like I could scream so loud the western United States would be alarmed. I'm so frustrated-- and growing so bitter-- that I can't even think rationally and clearly.

I don't want to fall in love. You don't understand. I'm not just saying that for attention or for lovesick comments from friends and family in love. I don't want to be in love. Love inevitably brings pain. Always. No love is too strong to avoid pain. Infact, it's arguable that the more love there is, the more excruciating the pain is when it manifests itself.

I'm tired. I am so tired. I am too tired to love. I can't maintain friendships because I am so tired. My heart is tired. Mentally, emotionally, even physically, I have no strength to love. How could I possibly try to give my heart to someone right now? I don't know if I have a heart. I don't know if I am capable of falling in love because I might possibly be the most selfish person to ever live.

You want me here. I am here for you. I realize that I will benefit from being here in the long run, and that someday I will be glad I came home, but right now.... I do this for YOU!

How can you preach to me about love? Day in and day out. How can you expect me to be home, dedicating every waking hour to my studies, in a town populated with 1800 people, 1790 of which are married, how can you expect me to find love?

How can you write a letter to me, thinking you are helping me, thinking you are guiding me, that says, "I hope your true love isn't married to someone else right now."?
Wow.

There is nothing wrong, nothing wrong with me wanting to take my time. This is what I mean when I say you control me. No, you aren't forcing me to marry, but you are discouraging me from being me, and doing what I think is best for ME.

In your letter you said a 30 year old man who honors his priesthood, went to school, has a career, is sane, and respects women is hard to find.... I believe you. But if I got married tomorrow, if 21 year old loco Molly married the most righteous successful, loving man on earth... it wouldn't work.

I'm not ready.

I don't want to be ready.

I'm still hurting. I'm still confused. I'm home.

I'm home and I haven't left because I know, I KNOW I am not strong enough. I don't believe I could survive another heartbreak. Look where the last one got me. I wouldn't survive. I need you to understand that heartbreak and rejection have taken me to the darkest, most confused state of mind that I have ever been in.

I NEED you to respect my decision to not get married for (oh my gosh) at least 2 years. I NEED you to let it be so that I can find myself-- So that I can learn to love myself.

I'm not ready. So please.
Stop.