I've always wanted a nose job.

I have a wide bridge, okay? You can say, "No Molly, your nose is fine." I won't believe you. Wanna know why? Cause one time I had this conversation with my Nana. Let me preface this with stating that my Nana is the expert on everything superficial.
(I just made a list of all of the ridfanticastulicous (ridiculous and fantastic) things she is an "expert" at but it went on so long I couldn't find my way back to the real reason I started this post)
So Nana and I were chatting at Grandma Hess's house... (ugh. Grandma Hess is Nana's mother, making her my great-grandmother; as well as my favorite human being)
The conversation went something like this:
Nana: "I've always loved your eyebrows."
Me: "Oh embarassing! When I moved home and swore off boys I also swore off caring for my eyebrows."
Nana: "Oh I'm so glad!"
Me: (surprised) "Serious? They look awful."
Nana: "No! No! They look so much better then the last time I saw you."
Me:".....thanks."
Nana: You've always had such great features. Some of your best features, I think you got from me."
Me:"....hmm."
Nana: "I'm so glad you didn't get mine and your mother's nose."
Me: "Ugh! I HATE my nose. I want plastic surgery."
Nana: (GASP) "Why?"
Me: "Well, see, I just have this wide bridge. It's too wide for my face."
Nana: "Well... you know, I have a few friends who have had great success with rhinoplasty."

Crap. I don't remember why I started this long story.

OH yes I do.

So, I've always wanted a nose job, and since that conversation with my Nana, I have known I need one. The only thing keeping me from doing it, (besides being broke and chicken) is my fear of coming out as Michael Jackson, may he rest in peace.

Well, for about a year now, I have been developing a new phobia. I don't want this phobia! Life was so much easier with out it. Like, growing up, after going potty, I never let handwashing get in the way of the rest of my day. I only brushed my teeth in the morning, unless I was having a sleepover with friends. (apparently hygiene is cool) Public bathrooms-- I remember my mum used to listen for the sound of toilet paper being used BEFORE I went potty. (to put on the seat) When she wasn't around, I'd never put it on.

Okay, so I don't want you to think I've been doing all those gross things till I was 20. I improved as I grew up. But particularly in the last year, Its gotten kind of weird. I find myself looking at an object and pretending I have a microscope imagining all of the bacteria and germs and dust I would see. I can't bring myself to eat anything that is within a week of becoming "expired." I keep washing my hands... over and over... I often find myself scrubbing away for no particular reason other then being worried about what I'd discover if someone used one of those germ lights on me.

I started doubling/trippling the public bathroom toilet seat covers... but even that wasn't good enough. Now I'm on to the popasqwat method. OH! And when those sensor flushes go off at the wrong time..... ahhhhhhhhh! I just imagine thousands of strangers poopy particles attacking me.... I hold my breath and close my mouth the entire time I'm in those public restrooms. It has nothing to do with smell, but I just imagine all kinds of weird poopy germs landing on my tongue! Ah. Just writing this is teasing my gag reflexes. And as for the bathrooms at home, well..... honestly, I can't even bring myself to sit down in the little brothers' bathroom.

What I'm trying to say here is, I think I'm turning into Michael Jackson... or Nana.

I just know that it's only a matter of time before I find myself in a hotel, with my own linens, and a box of plastic baggies, for the remote, and sink handles.... just like Nana.

Am I making you uncomfortable?
Well then stop reading, der!