It's a miracle that I haven't spontaneously combusted yet. I can't believe I survived 80's night withdrawals, semi-re-adapting from my "college life" sleep schedule (I call it that, but ironically, I wasn't in college much when I lived up north),putting a complete hold on my social life, and of course, not eating a McFlurry every day for breakfast.
Lately though, I've got that itch... I don't know if it is the fabulous weather, or recent Conor Oberst concert I attended with Annie, but for some reason I can't get my mind off that dreaded three letter word...
Fun.
I've caught myself daydreaming about Lagoon, Road trips, Seven Peaks, four-wheeling, camping, concert going, movie watching, memory making FUN!
I think it might be because I am currently only taking one class, and it's an easy A.
I'm pretty much just incredibly jealous, no-- envious of anyone living near the Gallivan Center in downtown SLC this summer. Monday evenings are free Hitchcock movie night. Outstanding. Thursday evenings are free concert night. Great.
So basically I'm petitioning for some freaking fun in Monti. I think we should have a dance party. Who's with me! Please, pretty please I'm begging you, I'll do anything, anything you ask! Grandma? Grandpa? Sister Wright? Brother Smith? um.... anyone?

You ran and told somebody else.

Since finding out that Derek passed away, I can't get these damned lyrics out of my head. I'm not blaming myself or looking for there, there's... but I can't help but think, I could have done something. I should have done something.
I didn't. I ran away to save myself and never looked back.
I realize that I did what needed to be done.
So why am I looking back now?

Come on love, Come on drugs
I need the help, pick me up.
I’m feeling low, the alcohol
Is wearing off.
The cocaine wore a hole inside
My bitter soul, my foolish pride.
Call my pa, tell you saw me
Hangin here.
The blood it stains,
The carpet well,
You ran and told,
Somebody else.
But now its gone,
The need I felt,
The cocaine drug,
Inside my head.
Please leave me hangin here
Please leave me hangin here
Please leave me hangin here
Please leave me hangin here
Come on love, Come on drugs
I need the help, pick me up.
I’m feeling low, the alcohol
Is wearing off.
The blood it stains,
The carpet well,
You ran and told,
Somebody else.
But now its gone,
The need I felt,
The cocaine drug,
Inside my head.
Please leave me hangin here
Please leave me hangin here
Please leave me hangin here
Please leave me hangin here
Come on love, Come on drugs
I need the help, pick me up.
I’m feeling low, the alcohol
Is wearing off.

When I DO fall in love,
I want it to feel and look a little something like this.

Sometimes I say to myself, If only all the ugly bitter hate filled people in the world would spend some time blogging-- or at least just surfing blogs, the world would be such a happier place.
Then I realize that sounds kind of lame... and weird.

But really, I kind of wonder if those people are just so ugly inside because they don't know what beauty looks like.... and while I do realize there is beauty to be found everywhere, I must say, some of the most fabulous of things can be found with just a few clicks!

For example:
Can you read The Nie Nie Dialogues with out wiping a tear from your cheek, or wanting to send a complete stranger a giant chocolate cake made with love?

Can you bare to sit in your home while ogling Desire to Inspire, the fabulous blog with pictures of magnificent homes with out the urge to go buy a can of paint blind folded?

And don't try to tell me you haven't obsessed over the fabulously chic, sophisticated, and truly FUN lifestyle and love story of Naomi and Josh Davis.

Don't you wish you had the eye for decorating (and the means) a new house, daughters as drop dead gorgeous, a best friend/sister who puts the E in etsy, and the photo taking skills that Miss Amy Furstenau does?

So I realize I have my own problem, and that is that I think I'd rather live through these blogs then paint my own picture.

But I really do wish I could grab some people (by the ears) give them a good shakin', and then sit them down to see that nice people with lovely souls and beautiful minds are having much more fun being at peace then living a boring life of boringness. haha.

so there.

I can't stop being emo.

I'm incredibly happy that my Madi is falling madly in love.
I'm just incredibly sad for myself. I know I'm selfish... I know that.

As quickly as I got me some dreads, I got rid of them. The truth is, they didn't match my clothes. All the pink and ruffles and lace.... they just didn't compliment the dreads well. No regrets though-- although I am back to hating my head of boring thin fine mangy hair.


I've also begun stripping the green paint from my furniture. We're going black this time. But only cause the green didn't compliment the cornsilk yellow sheets-- which are absolutely incredible!!!

La familia is in town. Uncle Joe and Aunt Yaditze, Angela, Isabella, and Joseph... AND Max and Brownie.
AND NANA!
Oh, Nana.
Every time Nana comes to town my mum gets a cold sore.
She also brings me amazing gifts or heirlooms so I tell my mum to slap on some abreva and suck it up.

Oh yeah...

I forgot to mention...
I finally did it.

I came to the conclusion that one of the biggest (yet most pathetic) reasons I do not want to marry is because that would mean my window of opportunity to strut dread locks had closed.... So, I decided to just get it done so I can get married and make Linzi lots and lots of grandbabies....

Of course, she is dying, but she doesn't realize that in the long run, these dread locks are for her.

So Mum, you're welcome.

And they CAN be washed despite common myth.

Get in my belly!

In the last 24 hours I have consumed:

5 cans of diet coke.
2 Mrs. Fields ice cream cookies.
1 baseball park style nacho.
1 super market deli basket of jalepeno poppers.
1 super market deli basket of cheese sticks.
4 gallons of water.
4 bite sized peppers slathered with cream cheese and bacon.
2 seven layer cookies.

In the last 24 hours I have indeed considered bulimia.

Then I remembered that cat ladies aren't usually skinny bodacious babes and I should keep the yummy food in my mouth and belly.

So if you will excuse me, I'm going to eat some strawberries... dipped in chocolate.
...and mum, I really craving some Waldorf Astoria Red Velvet Cake, please.

And yes, I AM going to Lake Powell tomorrow and I will shamelessly be showing off my belly... and I don't even care that I have an aunt that has birthed 3 children who wears a size 0.

The only thing that would make me enjoy these 24 hours more would be if Monti opened a McDonalds franchise.

Touching and beautiful.
A must read.
Days with my Father

I want this.

No one ever plans to sleep out in the gutter, sometimes that's just the most comfortable place

We knew this was coming.
We didn't expect it to break our hearts this way.

It just makes everything more REAL.

When we knew he was alive, we would laugh about and make fun of our old white gangster rapping friend Derek.

Today, we don't see him as a horrible person; we see him as a friend, a lost soul that had taken an inevitably tragic path.

Today, we want to listen to lil wayne and fitty cent. We want to go hot tubing at the Branbury. We want to play catch with mozzarella cheese balls from Tucanos. We want to steel hot wings. We want to do all the fun happy things that made Derek so fun to be around.

We pray that Derek has found peace.
Derek Michael Barnes, 1988-2009

I am so angry right now I feel like tearing my skin off with my bear hands. I feel like I could scream so loud the western United States would be alarmed. I'm so frustrated-- and growing so bitter-- that I can't even think rationally and clearly.

I don't want to fall in love. You don't understand. I'm not just saying that for attention or for lovesick comments from friends and family in love. I don't want to be in love. Love inevitably brings pain. Always. No love is too strong to avoid pain. Infact, it's arguable that the more love there is, the more excruciating the pain is when it manifests itself.

I'm tired. I am so tired. I am too tired to love. I can't maintain friendships because I am so tired. My heart is tired. Mentally, emotionally, even physically, I have no strength to love. How could I possibly try to give my heart to someone right now? I don't know if I have a heart. I don't know if I am capable of falling in love because I might possibly be the most selfish person to ever live.

You want me here. I am here for you. I realize that I will benefit from being here in the long run, and that someday I will be glad I came home, but right now.... I do this for YOU!

How can you preach to me about love? Day in and day out. How can you expect me to be home, dedicating every waking hour to my studies, in a town populated with 1800 people, 1790 of which are married, how can you expect me to find love?

How can you write a letter to me, thinking you are helping me, thinking you are guiding me, that says, "I hope your true love isn't married to someone else right now."?
Wow.

There is nothing wrong, nothing wrong with me wanting to take my time. This is what I mean when I say you control me. No, you aren't forcing me to marry, but you are discouraging me from being me, and doing what I think is best for ME.

In your letter you said a 30 year old man who honors his priesthood, went to school, has a career, is sane, and respects women is hard to find.... I believe you. But if I got married tomorrow, if 21 year old loco Molly married the most righteous successful, loving man on earth... it wouldn't work.

I'm not ready.

I don't want to be ready.

I'm still hurting. I'm still confused. I'm home.

I'm home and I haven't left because I know, I KNOW I am not strong enough. I don't believe I could survive another heartbreak. Look where the last one got me. I wouldn't survive. I need you to understand that heartbreak and rejection have taken me to the darkest, most confused state of mind that I have ever been in.

I NEED you to respect my decision to not get married for (oh my gosh) at least 2 years. I NEED you to let it be so that I can find myself-- So that I can learn to love myself.

I'm not ready. So please.
Stop.

Okay... So I'm pretty much obsessed with this little lady's work!

It's so fun!
And I really have a bad case of bird flu right now. I know this because I am "nesting" at the expense of my mother and fathers home. I've torn down all the old wall paper-- only to expose 1970's paneling. And don't even ask about my bedroom.... and anyone who tells you they spotted me buying green paint at the mercantile was lying.........

Moving on, I decided I need to stick to small projects that don't require days upon days upon days of work..... because I never seem to finish those projects. Instead I'm going to try and whip up one of those fabulous canvas picture paintings....

I'll keep you posted.... or maybe not depending on the outcome.
If my painting looks like this:

I won't be showing it off.

Can you hear me?!?!?!?!?

So excited. If you have the same love/hate relationship with Joe McHale from "The Soup" as I do, you are going to love this! I can't wait!

The single reason I have struggled over the years to love this small town I call home is because of the joy people find in hearing that their neighbor did something wrong. What is so sad is that we have all had the opportunity to be humbled. We have all been the neighbor that messed up. We have all experienced the pain-- not only from what we did, but from the excitement of everyone around us as they learned of and then talked of your mistake.

I have been the topic of conversation in Monticello. My family has been the topic of conversation in Monticello-- because of me.

I know how hard it is to go about your day when everyone is staring-- and I know how painful it is to leave a room knowing the people who you left with smiles on their faces will in moments entertain themselves at your expense.

My heart hurts today.

Yesterday and the day before I couldn't enter a room in San Juan County with out overhearing an overjoyed conversation involving the latest local headlines.

Yesterday, someone couldn't bear the pain, so he took his life.

I know what happened yesterday isn't because of the gossiping, but I am still frustrated because I know a great lesson is still going to go unlearned.

Some will get satisfaction out of how Dr. Redd wasn't strong enough.
What they will miss is that they've been relishing in someones pain.. such intense pain that he thought it to be unbearable... and they were eating it up.. and that is disgusting.

Yesterday I was a mess, but today I woke up and I'm okay.
I'm okay.
I'm great.
I'm happy.
I think my greatest fear is that I will do what my mum once did when all her friends were falling in love and getting hitched-- she made herself think she was in love when she wasn't.
(it doesn't help that I have so many people breathing down my neck-- asking when my big day will be)
So... dear friends, please promise you will step in if you see that I am fake falling in love.
I never ever want that to happen.

love her dress

i wish i lived back in the early 1900's. I love the style. so much better than ours.
~madison

I can't help it either

I want to be a sumo wrestler.
It's just so graceful, delicate, and inspiring.
I wish I had stuck with it. I quit right before reaching 400 lbs
:(
-Molly

i cant help it

There's something about ballet... i wish i would have stuck with it, i quit right when i was moving up to point.
I just think its so beautiful.
~madison

i slept until 12:30

If any of you didn't know.. Madison loves to sleep.
I can sleep for so long, i only woke up at 12:30 because my mom woke me up.
so far today i have...

brushed my teeth
put my hair in a bun
played the piano for about 20 minutes
vacuumed the entire down stairs
texted a few people
checked my facebook
printed up some more of my flyers
put on some make-up

Thats pretty much it. pretty good day so far...

~madison

escape.

Okay. Before you press play there are a few things you must know.
Madi and Molly absolutely LOVE little boys.
In a creepy stalker pedophile sort of way.
Madi and Molly absolutely LOVE 80's music.
In an obnoxious out of style sort of way. (Yes Mum and Pennie, it's over. Put down the hairspray)
And most of all, Journey's "Don't stop believing" is on Molly's Top 5 favorite songs of all time list. Thank you Mum-- for that- I will allow you to keep that hairspray.

So you can only imagine how happy this lovely little hair flipper made me today.
Things to do before I die #27: Take the midnight train going anywhere-- find true love-- or end up in a body bag. One of them is bound to happen.

Words I can't stop googling.

Toile
Chanille
Damask
Matelasse
Jacquard


Why nursing....?
I'm obsessed with redecorating. I've had it in my head for years and years that "Interior Designer" was a tacky occupation-- and because I obsess over the opinions of those around me, I guess I'm stuck checking pulses.

Lately my life has consisted of:

solitaire.
spider solitaire.
filling online shopping carts. purchasing nothing.
interior design blog stalking.
grey's anatomy season one.
memorizing bones, muscles, and stupid stupid slides.
reading like four books at once. not recommended.
self pity.
facing extreme danger to save my Licky and Lila Etna.
bloxzors.
hating my boring face.
finding a cure for halitosis.
grey's anatomy season two.
wondering when the vending machine will be restocked with plain diet coke.
not writing.
not thinking so much that i feel insane.
golfing.
home-gyming. psh.

i'm a professional

look dont i look so professional.

i know right!!!

jk jk but really

no no jk

really

okay i know now..

its ashley and skyler, i was looking for a picture of rufio (our dog).
rufio went to live with another family yesterday afternoon. it was so sad. as annoying and disgusting and hyper as that dog was it was still sad to see him go with another family. Actually he just left with one women, who has a three year old daughter, i will keep them in my prayers.
Today i had a haircut,WOOT WOOT!! haha but hey its a start. It is so hard trying to build up a clientele, but it will be worth it.
my mom is coming back home from girls camp tomorrow, DUN, DUN, DUN.... so i am going to have to clean tonight, but she is going to be in a good mood because rufio is gone. were all a little happy, except mclane. he doesn't even know yet, but when he gets home from scout camp, he is going to be PISSED!!! i'm going to feel really bad :( were horrible people. but it had to be done.
~madison

oops

i dont know what this picture is but i just uploaded it.